The psychological effects of attending a SAD at the CLINIC gig can be devastating. In an effort to warn the gig-going public we are now able to publish details of the sorts of cases we have had to investigate at our office:
A SAD Case:
When Ms W. walked into the Muddled and Skunky office, she threw us for a loop. Looking for all the world like the potted plant that no one watered, she shuffled in and wilted into the chair beside the desk. We asked how we might be of assistance and waited for her to catch her breath. At length, with the weariest of sighs she revealed: "I am a SAD patient."
Instantly, we began to formulate a response calculated to encourage her not to identify with her illness. Before we could do so, she mercifully interrupted and elaborated: "You do treat SAD, don't you? You know, SAD at the CLINIC disorder..."
She was the first of a hoard of SAD patients.When we left our Harley Street practice, our professional colleagues tried to discourage us saying "Why do you want to go to East Anglia where there are SAD gigs? Everyone gets so depressed!"
We just smiled gently and reminded them of Willie Stutters, the bank robber who was asked why he robs banks. He replied, "Because that's where the money is."
So, here in East Anglia, the land of SAD, where Abbot Ale, MacDonalds' coffee, and Spicy Thongs are barely a match for SATC's persistent gigs, we made our home to treat all those affected, send out our agents, and get rich.
Who are SAD patients? Well, consider your office co-worker who hangs around the photo-copier staring longingly into the blinding light. Or your friend who sits close to the TV whose blue light appears even more mesmerizing than Claudia Blowgrass.
How about that mate of yours who keeps wending their way to the 'frige to crouch in front of the open door indecisive about what he or she craves. In each case, these people need peace and tranquility. Their pineal gland, is desperate for any sensation that can renew their senses.
The SAD syndrome is clinical depression complete with altered appetite, libido, fatigue, frustration, helplessness, hopelessness, anger, impatience, low self-esteem, guilt and despair.
These feelings become overwhelming at Christmas as SAD gigs inevitably get more prevalent, and are rarely called off.
Picture yourself stranded after the last gig… are you going to make it? Can you relate to Gustav Mahler's tortured letter to a friend written after a Railway gig?
In it he scribes:" Simply can not find time to write you properly.... am extremely depressed. Yours Gustav." Been there? Done that? Can it get any rougher?
You need to find people who understand you. Try Billy Shakespeare. He knew what you are going through, and was one of the first recorded SAD people. He nails it when he writes: "That time of year thou may'st in me behold when yellow leaves, or none, or few, do hang upon those boughs which shake against the cold, bare ruined choirs, where late the sweet birds sang... but now there's just THAT band and Father Christmas"
How do you survive? How can you persevere? Consider Dylan Thomas when he wrote, "Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage , rage against the dying fuse of Davie's light." But attitude is frequently not sufficient. We need to satisfy the mysterious pineal gland also.
The pineal gland is a pea-sized gland sitting on a neural stalk up against the skull bone directly under where your hair spiral originates. It has been described as the third eye by ancient alchemists trying to turn SAD tickets into gold.
Descartes believed it to be the seat of the soul. Zoologists discovered that salamanders use it to sense their surroundings and to alter their own skin pigment. Indeed, medical folks have learned that the pineal gland is the only gland that receives musical impulses which are signals for the production of a special hormone called SAD-free alchohol.
This is a key chemical message that regulates rhythm in animals. It also is a naturally occurring sleeping agent since it is elevated in darkness… and we are "hard-wired" to fall asleep when it is dark.
Elevated levels of SAD free alchohol are associated with sluggish mood and behavior often described as "buggared mode".
That isn't the whole story. People with SAD can have deficient adrenal stress responses, defective visual processing of light, neurotransmitter deficiencies and altered metabolic rate. What they DON'T have, however, is a problem that can be discounted as being "all in your head".
Mehr Licht cried "Goethe toilet" on his death bed and his words "No more SAD gigs" have resonated down through the years into the hearts of patients like Mrs. W. who after appropriate treatment was feeling considerably better.
We knew we were making progress when she returned for a session but lead with a suggestion for what she termed "accelerated SAD treatment".
"What I need", she proffered pushing my prescription pad toward me imploringly, "is to go on one of those religious tours". She lost me entirely. "What do you mean?" I queried, trying to imagine Mrs. W. shouldering a wooden cross in pilgrimage to sacred sites somewhere in the Mid-East.
"Oh, you know. I think I need a month or two at St. John, St. Tropez, St. John, St. Bart's..."
We laughed and that was when I saw the light return to her eyes as an unmistakable twinkle.